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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

TAW wk 01 : SAFETY /a

I haven’t felt safe, lately. And this wasn’t because of Covid. I felt safe at home, safe physically, and protected. But the end of college and the end of the opportunities to meet fellow artists and… do! stuff together hit me harder than I thought. Now that I am writing this, it’s not even that, I think. I believe, no! I feel that I have ignored my artist-within. Ignoring that part of me which is crying for attention means, to me, waking up dreading the day ahead. I don’t feel anxious as such but instead, I slip, slowly, into a funk of “naaaaaa”, of answering any question with “I don’t know”, and living moment by moment by not knowing who I am anymore, stripped of any certainty. My safety is no more. Knowing who I am and what I am here to do gives me a sense of reliability, of somewhat control over my life. This is my… gosh, I lost count… sixth? time I am doing TAW. I know, by now, I am an artist and especially a writer. So, writing these blog posts like I did last year, finds me comfortable, knowing what I do and how to do it. My latest book came out at the end of May and I am still processing that ending and the letting go of the work in its own dimension, fending for itself and interacting with whoever is going to read it.

While me... I am here, taking this time for me because TAW is this: time for ourselves, to explore, discover what makes us happy, what gives us the motivation to get out of bed every day, what is that defines us.

One of the things I have noticed is that I am having a particular relationship with time, lately, something I haven’t fully worked out yet. I keep on finding old watches, watches I thought I threw away or lost. One I mourned for about 10 years until I found it wrapped in a tent I used well, ten years ago! A friend of mine asked me what is the universe telling me, with all these watches coming up: that I haven’t got time? Not enough time, or I have been given time? Or not to waste time? All these watches with no batteries...

Yesterday, as part of the process I am using to see where to go next, I pulled some cards from the Archetypes deck by Kim Krans of The Wild Unknown (here) and the one that stood out for me, a chance in 78 cards, was actually Kairos: time. But not time as sequential and chronological, as in counting hours or days or years (that would be Chronos) but time as in opportunity, taking advantage of the time given, quality instead of quantity, and synchronicity. It is imbued with the ideas of rhetoric and concepts of eternity and spirituality. In modern rhetoric is at times (!) defined as the act of saying the right thing “at the right time”. Kim suggested in her guide we go and look at Felix Gonzalez-Torres "Untitled" (Perfect Lovers) which, of course, I was sure it were a poem (!). Instead, it is this beautiful artwork exhibited at the MoMA (more here and here) of two identical clocks, battery-powered, which will eventually fall out of sync and may stop entirely measuring the inevitable flowing of time.

Time, me and time.

A journey which hasn’t finished yet but I am considering how in the past two years I have worked on events of the past (CONSERVATION here), thought about the future (LEGACY here) and the act of being here and now while making art (BEFORE NOTHING here). I am also contemplating how I seem to be more comfortable in uniting therapy (so structured and defined and clearly stereotypically portrayed) with creativity and spirituality (seen as consciousness at work) and the consideration that maybe this time, maybe now, it is really time for me to link all of this together.

My hope is that during this time of TAW I can work out this conundrum...

If you want to join me, pls check my first post here and follow me on FB here for tips, hints and to share your experience.

Sending you all good vibes!

onwards + upwards


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