There has been a full weekend at the supervision course, and the clearing of my space at university. This has been a week of mixed emotions, deadlines creeping behind me, endings and beginnings. I felt blocked, unable to move in any direction while trying to pretend that everything was fine, that I had everything under control.
I experienced impending grief and doom, envy and craving for belonging. On top of all this, I did not take any good care of myself: I didn't eat properly or not at all and I started suffering from all sorts.
So, it was fear. Fear of not being able to perform at the standard that I wanted to, together with the fear of not being able to produce anything at all. And my spiritual discipline of praying felt like a chore. As Julia says: there was no enthusiasm, no "filled with God" for me. I loved the experience of the supervision course, but I'd rather had the opportunity of time stopping and me sleeping for a couple of days. Everything felt at times too complicated, too difficult, too much effort, too much work, too overwhelming. Everything was a distraction, every opportunity for me to stop working, writing, checking, and meeting deadlines.
That Angel Card on the very first morning would have been met with enthusiasm, normally. But as much as I tried to feel ecstatic and happy and dive into the flow of things, at the same time I was exhausted. Still, I am grateful of that little reminder that good things are just around the corner. Just a little push.
My body says that I need to stop and take care of myself.
This is going to be my priority.
onwards + upwards