I am writing this post now, on this Blue Monday, because the task of designing and creating a portfolio is finally finished. I only need to go through it tomorrow and maybe add a couple of things but the whole process is finally finished, ended, done. And I hated every moment of it. [ps: it's not true, it's not true] I found it overwhelming, emotionally draining, complicated, constraining,  incomprehensible. And I felt that my life was in the hands of : the printers the tutor

This process of emptying, sorting, cleaning dusty areas of the heart, going through old photographs of the mind, feeling, acknowledging, ...

iI you are a fragile client, who is in need of support and compassion, and understanding: how fair is it that your therapist bares herself?

This is all about experimenting and the need for belonging, as realised at the end. Being at College and noticing all my colleagues who seem so good in drawing and painting, spurred me into trying. I bought a new set of colours and brushes. And watched videos. I was writing part of the story and then I was feeling the need to visually create the location, that house, that bridge. I was looking at artists I liked, hating them with a vengeance and envying them for their abiliti

I liked the simplicity and congruence, from start to finish, of the whole exhibition: simple lines, mono-colour in its own various tones.

Again, I felt the same vibe: independence, opportunities, possibilities, openness. Trust. She allowed me to trust her, again, and so I did.

Find your tribe and then thrive

I will continue my pilgrimage in exploring who I am taking my time to stop in relevant places and honour time and the lessons I am learning.

I am actually writing. Not this blog, not the research for college, or stuff for my other job. I don’t mean that. I mean real writing.

I went outside in the backyard and peeked through the windows at two police vans parked in my street and looking very busy.

There is a void in me. I can feel and almost touch this void. This void is calling me, and I need to address it first.

My desire now is for life to surprise me.

What everyone understood is that love hasn’t ended.

I am waiting. I am in a state of expectation. Almost suspended breathing...

And my JouJou, covered in wool, will ride her dragon, surrounded by sparrows, and she will protect the Great Whale.

I am here now encouraging myself, telling me I can do it, I want to do it, and that I am ok in doing it.

I am happy. Don’t get me wrong, I am well-mannered, and educated with it comes to engage with other people. It’s just that I prefer not to.

The HB on the paper, with those wide lines in faint black and red. I can see my hand: my very first act of creation. My statement.

She sounded mature, grave, depressed, heavy, damned, charismatic, beautiful, fascinating, alluring, very enigmatic. All the things I wasn't.

I know: this is the beginning of the end.