on My Truth : I can only work with Fools
There have been talks and walks and thinking and bouncing ideas off.
Yesterday I dug out my old journal of Feb 2018, when things were at such a low it felt like dying (and then I wrote Rebeltherepy) and flicked through all those pages and reconnected with words and feeling I thought I absorbed which instead were “there” and not “here”. Or “not here” yet.
On my path to reconciling opposites and ins and outs and blacks with whites, I have to admit that at times I feel frustrated and stuck because I believe that I cannot speak my truth because I will not be understood and hence I will be judged. When I tend to be me and express myself freely, the reactions are of me being ostracised, left out, rejected and placed out of the “general fun” which is going on somewhere “out there”. So, I stopped. One thing that we know for sure is that emotional hurt and social hurt, well: they hurt like physical pain in the brain. I remember the embarrassment and shame I felt when at school one day the teacher made some horrendous, painful and public remarks about me, just because I used a word (the correct word!) she did not know nor understood because it was in another language.
This week is the Week of Strength and let me tell you: grab that Major Arcana and look at it. A woman walking alongside a lion. Rider-Waite pictures her opening its mouth with her hands, that symbol of infinitum over her head. That card started as Hercules battling the lion, whose skin then made him invincible. Hercules then was depicted as the Virtue of Strength. I could go into details writing about Prudentius’ Psychomachia (or The Battle of the Soul) where Virtue fights Vice, Strength vs Cowardice, but I decide not to. Strength is then drawn as the Woman of the Apocalypse, embodying the fate of the Virgin Mary, but at the same time, she is alone and potentially helpless as the Virgin Mary. The Lion: evil passion (from a Jungian perspective) as a symbol of stages of transformation. So, here they are: the Hero’s unconscious, the feminine side (or the Anima) giving full attention to the Transformation. The courage to open Lion’s mouth and face the darkest and scariest recesses of its animal nature and shadow (and if you haven’t, you could watch Beauty and the Beast…).
In my stuckness, I feel like an animal in a cage and in those moments I am in need of the Anima to take the time and listen to what I have to say. Because then, the Anima and the Lion are working together. Because in the Strength card there is no actual display of brutal one-sided Strength; only mutual involvement. Today we seem to have ignored our instinctual and animal side, we have done our best to hide it. And yet, it is always there.
In all my notes from over 2 years ago, I am reminded by Simon Sinek to work together and mingle only with people who believe in me and in what I do. To stack the deck. Trying to convince people that I am right in believing what I believe in, is pointless and exhausting and definitely does not make me look nice. I am not here to try to convince you, reader, or anyone else that I am right. But I have the goddamn right to express what I feel, in toto.
So, one thing that came out for me yesterday was that I want to publicly admit that I can only work with people who are at the stage of wanting to change. In my role as a catalyst or facilitator or uplifter of others’ mood I can only and only want to work with people who are ready to work with me (again: stack the deck). I am not stopping to wait for people who are not ready. That is not my role because if I did it, I would do it very badly. I can only be among people who vibrate at a similar frequency than mine. And then, when the time is right, we can say our goodbyes and move on.
Jordan Peterson yesterday reminded me never to underestimate the power of my speech: do I have things to say? Yes. At least my own Truth, which it doesn’t mean it’s the Absolute Truth, but it is what I believe in, so to me and until I change my mind, it is My Absolute Truth. And in order to speak my own Truth, I have to let go of the outcome. The acceptance, the belonging. I am going to say what I think: stupid as I am, bias as I am, ignorant as I am and I am going to live with the consequences. Because we are going to pay the price anyway: where you speak or you don’t, for being courageous or a coward. There is no pleasing everybody! Please, I am begging you: watch his talk on YouTube I have linked before. And remember that people are courageous only when they are in a group, and in that group, they are all silent! Stand your ground, do your research, say things properly and don’t apologise!
When I worked with my dear dear friend S. the other week about reconciling my halves of formal therapy with tarot and intuitive guidance, the first question she asked me, pen in hand, was: what do you want to do? My first, automatic reply, was: free people. When I printed my very first visiting cards, I added Socrates’ quote: I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think. Because I am a teacher at heart. An educator.
This is my role. And this is the reason behind being stuck!
A reminder of what I need to do, where I have to go. What I have to do.
Because speaking my truth means listening to the Lion, being consistent and congruent.
After the stuckness of Feb 2018, where I was picturing myself, blindfolded, in a field full of rakes, I sat and wrote Rebeltherapy because I was and still am totally and fully against AA and NA, and I strongly believe that the recovery system in the UK (and in Italy as far as I am aware) is deleterious for the wellbeing of the recovering addict and his or her family. Now, I don’t have to convince you of this. This is my Truth and if you want to know more, you can read my book. But after publishing the book I felt freer as I have never felt before because speaking my own Truth is so fucking liberating. I also need to add that I have been, at times, judged for using arcane, archaic and complicated words not “many people understand” I have been told (which I thought was very judgemental of all these “other people”). Let me tell you now that I am not going to lower my bar or my standard. There are plenty of online translating systems, Thesaurus, or shops where people can buy a Dictionary. That’s not my role.
I can only work with people who are at that stage in life in which they don’t need to be spoon-fed nor protected nor prompted but happily take a leap of faith in the name of growth.
I can only work with Fools.
If you haven’t done it yet and you would like to join me on this journey (it is never too late!), pls check my first post here and follow me on FB here for tips, hints and to share your experience.
Sending you all good vibes!
onwards + upwards ♡
mandi!
mx