reconciling
The abundance and emptiness of the void I felt last week simply got larger and wider and deeper from Thursday onwards. It took me to a place in which I decided that I had to make a decision and I chose silence: I did not write, nor communicated, nor posted anything.
[And then yesterday I had issues with the signal, hence: no posting]
And you know what? It was good.
I sat in silence asking what my intentions were, where I wanted to be in 6 months time, what I wanted to be doing. But especially, I asked for clarification about this void I feel and the vision board I created was all about reconciling opposites, Temperance with her red wings and blue waters and Kali with her blue skin and red tongue and Joseph Campbell and his archetypes and Jung and his archetypes and shadow and ego and Kali again and my Ideal Self dancing with my Idealised Self and how (again!) Kali is Air and I am Air and we both live in the Heart Chakra, in the middle, trying to reconcile the three chakras above with the three below. I read the sweet sweet words of Ramakrishna, the “founder” of Vedanta and how he was fond of Kali, for him the Divine Mother of all; and then I have been reminded of Humpty Dumpty, who fell and no one could put together.
This moment of fragmented Self shows me how I am trying to shuffle and recreate a new me. Some things need to go for new things to have space to come in.
This place I am in is normal, not scary, and becomes fertile the moment I let things go. The first thing I need to let go is the need to hurry and to have all my answers now, right now, this very moment. Instead, I know I need to learn patience and to stay in order to reconcile the external experience with the ideal and potential capacity in awareness, in order to reach bliss: Sat Chit Ananda, or Sacchidānanda as it is spelt at times: existence, consciousness, bliss; Brahman. The Whole. And this Kali as its representation.
In all of this, Kali is a reminder to let go of the ego and the illusion we are in charge and in control by chopping that head with her sword...
A prompt, hence, daily: to surrender, learn to trust, let go of the safety and the need to control. Surrender to Kali, offering the broken Self, dedicating this stretch of this journey to her. This change will include the birth of a new me, maybe a change of likes and dislikes, affiliation with new and different people, saying goodbyes to old friends who have their own path to walk on, which is not mine. I might change values, ideas, opinions. I will expand after a long time of contracting. Reconciling and integrating are the two words I will keep on the forefront.
And I will not stress enough the importance of The Artist Way and the journalling in this process. Deepak today reminded me of how synchronicities have all to do with relationships, and hence connections: that double-yummy coincidence I experienced in Wales a month ago meant that I had a relationship with that car, and I had a relationship with my friend who took the photo, and the owner of the car also has his own share of connections there, and I have my relationship with Deepak who pointed me to be open and alert and receptive of synchronicities.
So, how’s your journey going?
If you haven’t done it yet and you would like to join me, pls check my first post here and follow me on FB here for tips, hints and to share your experience.
Sending you all good vibes!
onwards + upwards ♡
mandi!
mx