I woke up after the previous post with a strong need for change.
There has often been something “bothering” me in the background. Something I have tried to pinpoint. Something I have voiced, at times, when I felt I could, to some dear (dear) friends and one specific very dear colleague and friend. I have tested the waters and found them slightly judgemental… but gosh! yesterday - thank you Morning Pages, especially after a week of integrity - I had to stand up and say my piece.
To be honest, I had no idea what my piece was when I started but then I simply flipped the coin: I turned the tree upside down and exposed the roots, and what I thought was paramount and vital was moved to the background.
Everything just made sense.
It was like when you move and move and shift furniture in a living room and it’s never quite right until someone comes along and shifts something 47 degrees to the left and you never thought about that! but then all works out. You still have all your cushions, and tables, and trinkets, and sofas and plants and 1,000 books but now everything has its own space and there is... harmony.
Harmony is what I felt yesterday when I flipped the whole perception I had.
You see, I always thought that being a psychotherapist, a member of the BACP, and being into that kind of profession was like having a tattoo across your face and that there was not much scope for anything else. I felt that all my art, writing, spirituality and alternative practises were to stay on the periphery and to be approached with guilt and a slight hint of shame. There was no reconciling of the roles and I was tired of the long explanations about who I was and what I was doing. Imagine being an architect with a degree from a prestigious university and creating some funky stuff in a designer studio during the day while at night drawing and creating houses for Barbie and LOL dolls: what would the other architects think? You are good at your job but you are having so much fun sketching the beach house for Groovie Baby! And don't get me wrong: this dichotomy could "simply" be a cultural thing that is perceived only by me...
There is this me (grounded, educated, serious, compassionate, empathic, accepted as a member of a fraternity, and rightly so) and then there is this other me (no frills, circus-like, wondering, comfortable with nothing and everything, always asking questions, exploring all sorts of non-conventional approaches, passionate about journaling and tarot cards) and then the other me (the artist, the writer, the visionary) and I struggled to conciliate and harmonise these three sides of me. I felt I was lying and I was living a life that was not “me”. I believed that there was not enough fun and exploration in the seriousness and not enough accountability nor constructive structured approach in the fun.
I don’t want to take away the seriousness and legitimacy where it’s due, but yesterday standing up and pacing up and down in front of S. and finally saying what I believe in while hinting at the changes I want to implement, felt like “coming out”: this is not who I am and I want to be able to explore who I am and be free to express myself.
Dear, dear fellow creators: change is coming. Part of me is scared, but I owe it to myself. I just feel the need to finalise a “couple of things”... but believe me: I am excited! Change is coming and I cannot wait!
Sending you all good vibes!
onwards + upwards ♡