LA LA LA LA LA
One of the tasks of this week was to look at habits and how they might interfere with our wellbeing and whether they were causing shame - potentially. And not the habit itself, but the failure in changing our habit.
I am not going to discuss in detail which are the three habits I think I should change, especially when I already managed to quit my worst habit, which was smoking, some 5 or 6 years ago thanks to journaling! This makes me always very happy and so if I think I should meditate more, or chant mantras more, or put my shoes away, those do not compare with my biggest win.
Still, because I haven’t been feeling great lately and due to what I am studying at the course for the Diploma in Ayurveda I am taking, I have decided I should - and this time YES, SHOULD have a look at my diet.
I am not overweight by all means; it’s just that I am aware that my body is heavy and I am slow and my mind is fuzzy and I feel very sleepy.
By journalling, now, I am trying to analyse and find that weak spot which lies between wanting to change and not really being bothered. Is the scale tipping one way or the other? If I think: well, I’ll look for that spot another day, what is it that I am avoiding? There is a screen that pops up unexpectedly, just behind my eyes, by which I am more interested in what the cat is doing, the plans I have for this blog post, what X said to me yesterday, and I fully and totally avoid getting to the bottom of things. I can feel my body changing, my awareness switching to another plane of existence, where my synapses are singing LA LA LA LA LA in my brain. And nothing gets done.
How much do I want to change? I still cannot focus on that question to get the underlying emotion. And even the emotion of elusion is... well, eluding me.
Change can happen only by emotions, not by plans and lists and if I don’t grasp how shitty I am feeling, and own that emotion, make it mine and then do something about it, nothing will ever change. Oh, gosh, I might change my diet, but I will easily revert back to the Me who was before, and not stick to this changed me. It would be like planting a tree in shallow ground and then at the first storm, off it goes roots up!
And it is for this reason, that we cannot change people’s habits and beliefs. Change happens only within us, and I am talking of lasting change. I might know, within my heart, how bad it is for you to drink / smoke / eat too much or whatever is that you are doing, but unless you find that soft spot within you, that spot where there is a voice that says: gosh, you’ve cocked up big style up and now is the time for change because you are feeling shit and you are not happy… unless you sit and wait and find and listen to that voice, and you make it yours, you will not understand. You might know it logically, you will agree with me, and you might even try but that change does not belong to you, yet.
So, I have decided to sit, wait, and go for a walk and be open to connections so that I might understand if I am ready and willing for real change.
I really hope you are enjoying your Artist Way. If you want to know more about habit changing and even addiction, a couple of years ago I wrote Rebeltherapy and here is the link.
Sending you all good vibes!
onwards + upwards ♡