I feel I need some inspiration. I feel this heaviness on my soul, still, from last week. The deadlines and things to do, and plans, and activities, and constraints, and other people... it feels at times too much.
I found myself without the car for a couple of days and it felt odd. I sense I have to protect myself from the noise, the pub opening again; I need to shield myself from negativity whether real, perceived, or only feared.
I miss my own creative space. I want a space that is light, open, large, white. Mine. A space I can go to paint, create, read, write.
And even the cards have reverted to the "same old one". Look at them! How can I create something that is positive and engaging, and soothing, when I am feeling like this?!
Look at those hands reaching out!
I miss my writing, that time for myself. Instead, now I have to cram everything into small pockets and wait: wait for easter, wait for the summer, wait for rain, wait for another space, wait for another time. And I cannot help but hating myself for being so fucking negative! But I also know that there is only me to rely on.
So, I will find some more time to cry, to ground myself, to look after that innocent part of me who is still scared and vulnerable and very fragile.
In the meantime, I will make an effort to be more positive and more assertive. And I make sure I will not forget the orphan in me. I will look for the answer to the question: what am I starving for? "Tenderness beyond Tenderness is required".
more. kindness. always
In the meantime, ad maiora!
© mtomat 2021 - written on 18042021 - no reproduction without permission.