I feel I have been working hard for what I am making. I feel I am making as much as I can in energy, time, connection, good vibe and still... still something feels off.
I will take it as a fear of the end of the year; fear of the exhibition. The tiredness of these past 12 weeks of intense work while feeling I haven't learned as much as I wanted to. Exhaustion for all the energy and strength and courage I have to put in this. A sense of being misunderstood. A lack of return on all the expectations I had when I started.
I am wondering if I can still find comfort in that bit of meditation, or that bid of journaling, or that bit of me-time.
I recognise the symptoms of needing someone next to me; needed the comfort of a community of prayer; needed the safety and protection that come from a hypothetical group that does not exist. It is in those moments I reach out for the Bible, or the Bhagavad Gita, or for another online chant to follow, or the next meditation experience which I will not follow.
I need fresh air but I don't go out for any walk. I am hungry and need regenerative sleep.
I am feeling excruciatingly lonely, at times. And I am wondering who I am doing all of this for.
I am not even sure I enjoy university anymore.
In the meantime, ad maiora!
© mtomat 2021 - written on 25042021 - no reproduction without permission.