the STONE : crossing


And, as for the VOW: I think I am ready.

This is how I finished last week. And this is what really happened. I felt the need to go to a specific place, very close to my heart. I needed to walk, alone. And it happened, organically and naturally. It didn't come with lightning and thunder; or magic winds and fire in the sky. It was... natural. It was simple, and it was mine. More than anything, it felt just right.


Do I feel changed?

Yes, there is something in me that has shifted. I cannot exactly say what it is, or even how it manifests, but something is different. Feels different.


What has happened, instead, is that the cards have changed. They jumped right out at me this weekend. I was at uni: hence different setting and vibes, but it felt very mine and right. There was a need to be expressed. A definite direction.

The cards wanted to be placed in their specific position, almost clock-wise starting from the bottom right. What I find astonishing, is the card top right: I don't normally wear that bracelet which I bought years ago in a charity shop, but in the morning I felt a calling to wear it and I felt it right since the colours are the ones I use lately: those greens and blues. I call it "the happy summer bracelet": it reminds me of... sun, sand, sea, California, surf, and Sheryl Crow singing "Soak up the Sun".


So, the last card asked to be placed there and under the bracelet!

As you can see: there is no VOW...


The cards came out in this order: MENTOR - 6 > ETERNAL CHILD - 4 (notice how the numbers do mirror each other: VI and IV and the cards seem like embracing the whole reading...) > TEMPLE - 39 > THRESHOLD - 45 > UNDERWORLD - 48 > SUSTAINER - 24 > DESTROYER - 23 : for a total of 189 > 18 > 9 : no more 7...

I had the MENTOR before, in Feb: this teacher who aid in the elevation of consciousness. I like the idea that there is someone - or a part of me - who is devoted to protecting me, teaching, guiding, indicating a path. And also who shows me a path now with this reading.


I see the ETERNAL CHILD as that side of me who loves freedom, who is fearless, radiant, happy, and carefree; who doesn't like limitations nor getting lost in details; like the art I am making now. That side of me who always strives to go beyond. That part which asks what is possible, and what is magical... That child looks at the TEMPLE as the going within, that universal, everlasting, omnipresent, accessible energy that permeates everything. That energy that I was before embodying and forgetting. A reminder of my dedication, of what I worship, of this pilgrimage I am on.

Now is the time to understand

That all your ideas of right and wrong

Were just a child's training wheels

To be laid aside

When you finally live

With veracity

And love.

(*Hafiz)

I am left wondering if there is a space on my altar for what can still surprise me and if I can offer that to the heavens.

The THRESHOLD is that door, that gate of initiation, for me to enter in a new reality and to leave behind the old me because something new is calling. It takes only one step, only one single step. Nothing more. This is the card of death & rebirth, of Bob Dylan singing "Standing in the Doorway" (or may Mick Jagger singing "Goddess in the Doorway")...

Don't be afraid, it tells me.


I am reminded of all those pictures I have taken of my feet: at the beach, in London, in museums, on holiday, after funerals, at lunch breaks, after breakups, of while walking towards a new date. I am thinking of my maps, geography, travelling, adventure, challenges, initiations, rituals, crossings, Charon in the underworld, openings, inceptions. Of places I have to go alone, streets I have to walk alone, stories I have to learn alone.



During these journeys, I will have to face my shadow, my UNDERWORLD, my suffering and pain. There I will have a choice: to either deny or to accept. But these are only forces who will give me inner strength - again, I am reminded of Dante's Inferno and Charon; or Inanna descending... but the SUSTAINER will always be with me: this is life. Dark and Light, Pleasure and Pain. Here I am facing the dichotomy of either clinging to comfort and what is known or letting go and dive. So, I ask myself: what sustains me from within? I think hope. And the absolute knowledge of the presence of energy, knowing that I am protected and safe all the times; the awareness that I am energy and that I have experienced an awakened part of me, where everything else that surrounds me fades away and nothing is important anymore. Where even the battles, the fights, justice, right and wrong have no meaning whatsoever.

Robert Rauschenberg, Erased de Kooning Drawing, 1953

Nothing has any meaning any more.


And finally, the DESTROYER : there will be moments where the rug will be pulled under my feet because things need to end. But I never liked stagnancy, even if it facilitates the blooming of lotus flowers. There will be Kali moments. But as Picasso said, every moment of creation is first of all a moment of destruction. Of what we thought was right, appropriate, needed, fixed, stable.


Still, that card is under "the happy summer bracelet": everything is going to be ok.


Things are changing and progressing. At times like today, I feel vulnerable and overwhelmed by the number of things I am supposed to be doing, preparing, making, presenting, saying, writing and I just would like time to stop, for about a month, so that I can catch my breath and catch up with all the things I feel I don't know and that I am missing to be able to perform at a high standard. It's during days like this that I feel lonely, at times excruciatingly lonely. Today is Mother's Day here. For me, not a mother and with no mother anymore, days like these are painful. Today is also my name-day, back home: S. Matilde Regina.


Me, I am waiting for the sun.


In the meantime, ad maiora!

mx


© mtomat 2021 - written on 14032021 - no reproduction without permission.

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