This has been a very strange week. I felt detached, disassociated, dis-aligned, out of sync.
This has been a very strange week indeed.
Some things which I was expecting didn't turn out the way I wanted them. Actually, quite the opposite. I questioned and doubted myself, my judgement, my knowledge, and my integrity.
I am still not right. I am "back at uni" hence following sessions online and when I switch off the connections, there is a lot of silence in the house. I have been feeling existentially lonely. Hence, I was really looking forward to some hints and art in my Saturday with the gods, but I have to admit even that didn't bring me any particular joy. I feel I am sitting here waiting for better days to come, battling dissatisfaction and fighting anger, and keeping frustration at bay.
I feel exhausted.
But I made up my mind about something that I have been questioning re. part of my past and one evening I threw away pictures and mementoes. For the following nights, I have been having some intense dreams with family and old half-demolished buildings next to new shiny buildings, trying to find shortcuts in warehouses. I even woke myself up by screaming in a nightmare.
As you can imagine, I have really been looking forward to some indication today, but what I got wasn't what I expected (this seems to be the week...).
This morning I felt compelled to use both e Archetypes and then the Good Tarot and the cards I got were #31 - The Heart fully reversed - and the Ace of Air - beautiful Pegasus. I have been asked to see where does my compassion lie. Am I stranger in the landscape of the Heart and the Self? Kim Krans suggested I listened to Nina Simone singing "Wild is the Wind" but I haven't, yet. Because that song, when sung by George Michael, makes me cry every time and I don't want to now. Anyway, here it is:
Then I looked at that Pegasus, galloping and flying towards that heart upside down, as a symbol of virtue and creative inspiration. Did you know that wherever he stopped, there appeared an inspiring water spring? I was thinking how much the song with its reference to the wind was connected to Pegasus, and the Air sign of that Ace (and also me as a double Libra...).
Next, I asked the I Ching, where next?
Guess what: the two hexagrams here are 59 evolving to 61. Dispersing > Innermost sincerity. The top three lines as XU, Wind.
Air again. This morning, the symbols suggested I mediate upon joyfulness, connecting to the spiritual world, and any crossing of great rivers would have exemplified hardship. But it is by using the speed of a strong horse that I can rescue the situation. Rely on the horse.
... excuse me? The Horse? And the Wind?
But they didn't stop there, they suggested me that sincerity lies at the core, in my heart. Open the heart and be receptive to truth.
Well, this felt like a chasing of each other: the Heart, the Wind, the Horse. Rely on the Horse: defeat Chimera? Which, to me, this is even more strange. Chimeras are organisms which contain more sets of DNAs. In mythology, those were monstrous hybrids, mostly with the body of a goat, the head of a lion and the tail of a dragon. They normally symbolise that is untamed. But there are Chimeras even in real life. I am one because I have absorbed my twin brother. I am wondering if this has to do with the taming of the ego and with me as a devotee of Kali, the destroyer of the illusion of reality, who reminds us that we are only spirit.
So, I stayed at home, today. I doodled and then my hands reached for my watercolours and I painted. I haven't painted in ages, but I put some chanting of a seed mantra dedicated to Kali because I wanted to paint something in red and blue. So I did.
This is entirely different from what I would typically do. Gone are the whites and blacks and 3Ds.
I told you, this has been a very strange and different week.
For now, I have some tea and I want to read from the Taittiriya Upanishad.
I shall see you all next week.
© mtomat 2021 - written on 06022021 - no reproduction without permission.