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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

m·r [-2]

I am sitting here, at my white table, with my faithful hot water bottle. I have just finished watching one of those movies where you know from the very beginning that you will cry with happiness at the end, when he and her will kiss, by the beach / at a lake / in a garden and they will live happily ever after...

It's almost Friday, but I am still 2 days away from my residency in Wales. From Saturday, I will be working, exploring, experiencing something new; and breathtaking.

This blog post wasn't planned, but it came out organically. Many things have changed from the last entry: I am in the middle of my last year at university, planning for my Master in Research; I went twice to Italy; I have handed in my dissertation - more on this later, in another post; I have created something for the Winter Show at York which I am really proud of. And I not only have a supervisor for my psychotherapeutic work, but I also have a spiritual mentor, now.

Strangely enough, I feel particularly protective of my relationship with the latter one, and maybe this is because this journey I am on and that I feel called to has been present in the background for too long with me taking no action whatsoever. I am now ready, trustful and vulnerable but happy and the same time. I am in very good hands.

So, I have packed my suitcase. This metaphorical journey within is mirrored by a physical journey, post-Candlemas celebration and dedication and commitment. About a year ago, I was in Padiham - you know, one of my favourite places, and I have dedicated my journey within the arts to explore the spiritual element of art-making, its phenomenological importance and impact; and if there is, somewhere, a meeting of Fine Art and Spiritual Art. Can they co-exist? Little did I know, that I would find a renewed faith within me, and the desire to learn, study and explore what "has always been there". Part of this journey has also been supported by a determination to live this stage of my life following the rules of the dedicated single life. A sort of very private and personal journey as a self-dedicated oblate. My priority and my focus have been fully directed towards the spiritual in the Arts.

Since I met my spiritual mentor, I am learning to pray, to listen, to evaluate. He also calls it "testing" and this is part of my journey. I am now setting off for North Wales, for two weeks alone, surrounded by Nature, Creation, hopefully Silence, and I take my God with me, that one I talk to incessantly lately. I have been fortunate enough to have been accepted for a two-week residency in North Wales and I intend to use this time to recuperate my energies, talk more to God, assess where I am at, create art, allow for the spiritual to do its magic, and test. On the 8th of next month, I hope I will be ready to dedicate another year of my life, or to adapt my direction. I am not so sure, but I trust. I have faith.

Because the coincidences and synchronicities have been mind-blowing, the meeting of minds and heart absolutely other-worldly, and something has so strongly shifted within me at times I don't recognise myself and the world I am immersed in. But I like what I see and what I hear. Most of it now makes sense. I feel heard, understood, accepted.

A simple sign is that there is no more dread in my waking up. Of course, as for everybody, anxiety and fears are still there and sometimes they come and visit me. But the determination and trust I feel now are not comparable to anything else. I don't feel alone and I wish that each and everyone could experience this sense of inner peace. My other supervisor and I agree that things will change and adapt and I am ok even with that. Still, I am happy to experience, feel, record, and share what I am experiencing and feeling now.

So, my bags are almost ready... I am going to be off soon.

I am leaving you with the song we listen to the other night for Candlemas at Whalley Abbey. As a believer and, especially, as an ex-student of an international college such as the UWC Atlant College, this song and its video struck a chord I thought I totally buried. It turned out I didn't.

My plan, as part of the residency, is to keep a very truthful daily diary in the form of a blog. I hope I'll find you here...

... and, as always, upwards and onwards!


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