I could tell you a lot, and probably should, about power and what it feels to me. Really, in my body. Let me tell you one story: I am sitting in my studio, in front of my TV screen which acts as a laptop monitor; the other little Chromebook is playing a movie from Free-to-me Amazon Prime about bank robbers with a soundtrack all on C major and triumphant violins; I have done my laundry for the week, I have designed, created, printed and cut some cards for my next drawing performance; I have prepared all the printouts for next weekend in York; I have an opened bottle of Merlot next to me and dinner is almost ready downstairs.
I might at times feel lonely and tired but boy tonight I feel the power I own. And embody.
Tonight things are going my way.
This past weekend I had my very first experience of York Open Studios in the Creative Center of my university: I am tired but also elated. I created, I made, I performed, I felt and was professional; things went the way I wanted them to go; I was surrounded by dear friends who supported me and cherished me and who believe in what I am doing; and I sold my very first piece.
Yes: I sold my very first piece.
It felt perfect.
But let me tell you what else spoke of power to me: I did not pray. Nope. Not Saturday or Sunday. No morning prayers, readings, journaling. And I still functioned.
But I did not function well. Oh, don't get me wrong: I did not feel guilty for not praying. It just is that I don't like the "me" who does not pray. I don't like how easy it was for me to slip into the non-praying mode as if nothing had happened. I don't like the inner reactions I felt, that kind of stomping my feet like a spoiled child, a hurt child: I can do without you and there is nothing you can do...; I did not like that part of myself one bit. That kind of power is a power I do not want, I do not like, I don't want to experience anymore. It would feel like "having a puff" on a cigarette just to show off after all these years of not smoking. That is not power at all.
The strongest sense of power I feel now is my ability to say: I let "You" choose for me and whatever "You" decide is going to be ok with me. My power is relinquishing my power to a Higher Power. But I also have to add that I thank my Emmanuel for allowing me to experience this while keeping me safe and hopefully coming out stronger on the other side.
Now, to another weekend of York Open Studios!
Shall I see you there?!