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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

the [pause]

My last post was dated 4 DEC 23. I was regularly writing [and enjoying the process, too] right to that day and then it felt heavy, dense, overwhelming, intense. I felt dry inside, like my inner well was devoid of water and any form of moisture. I was intensely and obsessively awaiting my MA result - which as of now, I still haven't received! I felt powerless, without any control over my life and especially my future. I didn't know if I was coming or going; everything felt repeating itself in circles, endlessly and boringly. Without even any conscious awareness I started to sit for longer periods, then lying down on the sofa, followed by shallower breathing and a deep-rooted sense of being old, frail, and very lonely.

And stuck.

After about 15 days, around Christmas, I felt very sick one night. And I mean: very sick. Around that same time I [re-]discovered a concept I knew of before but it never made fully sense: the Medicine Wheel. I am not sure which one came first: the Wheel or the sickness? The chicken or the egg? I strongly believe that one must have triggered the other: the brutal wake-up call one night and a clear path ahead; or: a framework which stirred strong repressed emotions which led me to feel so sick; ... I don't know. But now I am glad for both: the pain and the wheel in a very synchronistic and magical way.

As for starting back on this site, I will add here below a post I wrote a couple of days ago on my social media. More about this process, about the Wheel, my Wheel, and what came after will happen organically. In the meantime, you can also find my podcast which I have reprised as a system to make sense of what is going on, on HERE : PODCAST; also on Spotify and Youtube.


For most of my life I was judged as "stufadizza" a word which my grandmother Zizí used to describe me as easily bored and annoyed; someone who starts a 1000 projects and never completes anything. Yes, this was me. Well, somehow this is me. I never understood how I was interested in so many different subjects, from physics, to paleoanthropology, volcanology, ecology, fine art, philosophy, psychoanalysis, tarot cards, semiotics and philology, drumming and spirituality, psychogeography and mythology, biodynamics and voodoo. What was the common denominator of all these various interests? If I were a child now I would probably be branded as suffering from some acronym and then left there to do my own things, surrounded by a chorus of "ooooh, this is how she is, poor thing...". Me, the Seeker, the Eternal Seeker.

Since my losing contact with reality in Aug 1988 I felt there was something I had to find. Something I had to remember from before and that now I forgot and I desperately needed. Most therapists, old and new, and psychotherapeutic colleagues and well-meaning friends tried to convince me that it's the journey that's important and not the end, not my "finding that something".

Let me tell you a couple of things: that's bollocks. I thought I knew something. And it was true. It is true. When I thought I needed to find one thing, one single thing, that was also true. When I said I needed a word, a specific word, a definition, that would fit with everything I thought was right, that was also true. You probably won't believe the frustration of being condescendingly told I read "too many books", that I know "too much", that I "should stop".

Now, I KNOW that I was always right. I know that this whole process was also necessary. Now everything makes sense. Now I have a grounded and stable platform which [I thought] I lost. I found what I was always looking for. Now I can breathe, pitch my tent for a short while, and discard all that is unnecessary. And from this platform I can build and finally pursue what I came to do in this life.

If anyone comes and tells you that they are looking for something even though they don't know what this is, don't think that you know best and give them ready-made cheap pseudo-philosophical / theoretical / therapeutic crap. Don't put them in a box levelling everybody as following some strict well-proven behavioural rule.

Do them a favour instead and believe them.


Do you believe me?

see you on here, soon.

sending you all buckets of warm light


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