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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

tutorial /09 – PL ∫R

I had a tutorial this afternoon with PL over the phone and it was an eye-opener. While I was talking to him, some “stuff” that was going around in my head made sense and I could voice doubts and then solutions to my own doubts. He mentioned this painting, Still Life with Lemons, by H. Matisse and how this particular painting was described by Hockney. Beautiful, sunny, light, colourful. And, still, created in 1943, in the middle of the second world war.

We all have doubts in our practice and to me, practice has become a way to self-enquiry. PL said that that could be seen in any of my pieces already, but it was I who did not see that.

This blessed time of silence and repose and stillness gives me time to understand the reasons why I am doing what I am doing. Especially thinking that the whole idea of my FMP was about “DO YOU SEE ME”: so, now, in this lockdown, do you see me? How does it feel to be here, not seen, and not creating? PL also told me not to worry too much about “creating” as such since I normally work on a very large scale and this is not feasible in the house.

I have been creating, and by that I mean I made the podcast where in the first 2 episodes I discussed windows: Hopper and Rothko and their windows – only noticed these coincidences later. Basically, this period is all a large big synchronicity: me writing a book about a woman who wants to be alone, and then now I am alone here in this house; do you see me? as a project with all the emotional repercussions of a lockdown; windows: to see and to be seen; Vedantic meditations, silence and ideas that I have in my head about John Cage and his silence and silent pieces [ideas for the next confessional podcast]: I am kind of “unbosoming” myself.

Maybe – no, without maybe – I need to understand and accept WHAT I am fully and thoroughly and then see what is it that I make that gives me pleasure and makes me happy. At that point, it doesn’t matter anything else: whether I sell, make money, live out of it or not; whether I am an artist or not. Whether I am considered an artist, or instead if I am happier discussing art and spirituality and therapy; or whether my own drawings turn into mandalas.

It doesn’t matter.


As of today, this is me.

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