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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

the STONE : p a u s e

Updated: Apr 9, 2021

This has been a v strange week. I am writing now, at a later day, but will backdate the post. In this way, it makes more sense to me.

This has been a week of chaos and conflict, of realisations (painful, at the best of times). And then of incredible synchronicity.

It started with these cards which at the beginning pointed to Love and Understanding but then turned out to show me pain, Shadow, a mirror right in front of my face. I did not want to believe them, and I decided to waltz through the week until what I perceived as Hell broke loose and only now, that I take the time to sit and write, everything makes sense. So, if it's alright with you, I will understand them even more while I am writing these words.

AGAPE, OFFERING, DEAD END, HUNTER, MIRROR, and finally VOW. I drew these cards on Easter Sunday after a week of driving, going, moving, and a feeling of frustration building up inside me. I felt very emotionally uncomfortable on Thu at uni and I found a lack of professionalism and serious management which does not sit right with me. There have been overstepping of boundaries and a general lack of control over the roles within the academia, and this, esp this, does not sit right with me. Words have been said and I found myself floating among snowflakes while trying to ground myself. Can you see that HUNTER reverse, right next to the MIRROR? And that OFFERING reverted above a DEAD END? This has been my week. I thought that the Hunter hinted at me re. S. but it wasn't. It was a reminder to focus on Artemis and trying to find the answer to three questions: What am I hunting? Why am I hunting it? And, is my weapon truly needed? I need to learn to stop, look, and gather data. I need to track, check, observe. I need to study others' routines because this is what hunters do.

Frida Kahlo - 1946 - The Wounded Deer

It has been pointed out to me that I sounded confrontational. I apologised if my tone and manner of expressing my concerns hurt someone, but I will never apologise for my thoughts, my beliefs, and what I still feel was wrong. And that includes that never anyone has asked for my side of the story. I was considered in the wrong from the beginning, even by people who were not present, hiding behind a keyboard. And this has happened twice. Never my opinion has been asked. This is logically wrong, unsafe, unreasonable, totally unjustified, and it shows a clear bias attitude. Fortunately, it also clearly showed me the true faces of people and who I can trust to be logical and mature.

It also highlighted that extra layer of my inner pain, my stumbling stone, that nudge and reminder of bullying of the past, of people not wanting to know my story, of people not listening to me, not acknowledging me. Of narrow-mindedness. Of people shutting me down like if I didn't matter, if what I have to say was not important. It feels like people are really not interested in what I have to say and I find myself in a corner stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I found myself doubting my beliefs, but then once reviewed I have to say: no.


Remember: track, check, observe. And record.

In the meantime, ad maiora!


© mtomat 2021 - written on 09042021 - no reproduction without permission.

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