This has been a week of understanding and frantically trying to keep myself together and safe. One thing worth mentioning: I came home late from university one evening and I unloaded the car, took everything outside the main door, opened it, got into the house and left everything out. This to me means: I am tired and my body (and my neighbours) are trying to tell me something: Slow Down.
So, these past couple of days I have rested. I did basically nothing. I found a little pleasure in watching simple and comforting TV series on my laptop while drinking warm soothing teas and eating delicate chocolate biscuits. And I reconnected with my supplements which I haven’t taken in a while. I see now this week of Connection more as a reconnecting with myself than with anyone else, even if I know I do have a support system in place of friends and mentors and colleagues who are there for me.
But I needed to connect back to me, to my body which is excruciatingly tired and mentally exhausted. I am aware of four big deadlines for university, plus another for my supervision course and I haven’t eaten, fed, rested or replenished myself properly in a while now. I can feel it. And it is not good. So, this is a going in and getting things down at the same time. The act of writing has always fed me and supported me so today instead of at my desk, I am sitting at Morrison's cafe waiting for a full English while flicking through the pages of a book and recalling this week for this post. This is allowing: I am allowing for God and Creativity to do their magic through me. When I am allowing, I am not fighting and there is no energy wasted in this process. I see this as both having Faith and taking a leap of Faith even when there is no Faith. I am allowing a download to happen. At times it doesn’t happen at all, at times I struggle, other times I need to wrestle with the idea and let it take over bit by bit, word by word. I am reminded now of an amazing TED talk by Elizabeth Gilbert which I am going to add here for you.
Anyway, one of the things that I also would like to do, in this sense of reconnecting, is listen again to the audiobook of her book BIG MAGIC because I remember that it really inspired me when I struggled with my writing. Julia Cameron says that we can get attuned to the frequencies of creativity and we can discern them for all other distracting ones. Once we accept this, we can assume that there is One who sends us these frequencies, that these are there to connect us with the Creator. Can I accept, as a creative being, the help of a collaborator? The support of someone else in my act of creation? Or even His directing the way my artwork is going? Is it just finding the right inspiration, supply, zone, space or it’s fully leading the way? I mean, is the University helping me, or directing me? Am I a tool in God’s hand? And if so, am I happy, willing, submissive enough? Would God, my God, do anything against my own will? I mean, the main characteristic of my God is that he is a God of Freedom… If I am shaped / designed / created in this way, is there a reason? How can I use these characteristics for something that is fruitful and not waste and throw them away?
Anyway, back to Connection! Can I accept and expect the Universe to assist me? Can I decide to test to see if this is what is really happening? Well, this past week I kept on receiving hints in different forms about publishing and writing for magazines, so I feel like being directed somewhere, which I might decide to take up or not.
I am also fully aware that I am engrossed / preoccupied / absorbed / distracted by the making of my final degree show piece. There are some reasons behind this preoccupation:
it’s the final piece ever made by me for my BA;
it feels it should represent not just me and my work, but my journey, too;
it’s not something I have ever done before;
it’s just based on writing [ish…];
I’m petrified that my writing is going to be shit.
So, here I said it. I have about 15k words to write and I am scared that it’s going to be shit. Really shit. Or maybe not shit by my standards, but by the standards and likings of the readers who def are going to be more knowledgeable than me. Who actually are not even going to read it, but only listen to it. So, today my plan is to create a structure and sort out what I have already written into a coherent framework and let’s see where this is taking me.
So, nxt, really nxt, I am going to buy something wholesome for me, another candle, or something dedicated to the sacredness of the shed when I normally write, I will buy something refreshing to drink and something restorative to eat coz this is going to be a long afternoon.
Well, I def feel better now!
ad maiora!
mx
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