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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

: TAW wk 04 - integrity

Well, and even weekend n.2 has been completed! I have to say that I am very proud of myself: I showed up, I felt prepared, I know I am knowledgeable in my own field... I am satisfied!

What I have noticed is that whatever I do now aligns with my own values, more and more. The more I was engaged with the viewers, the more I re-defined what I was creating. I was using more detailed words to express my practice, without convoluted Pindaric flights. I went from "this is what I am doing... in the process of going onto an MRes... processing... exploring..." to a clear: "these to me are prayers". That's it. Full stop. Not messing about.

And this to me has to do with courage, this act of clarifying, discovering clear boundaries, eliminating ambiguities. This is what I am REALLY interested in, this is WHO I AM. When you realise that practices, beliefs, groups, affiliations, people, relationships are no longer part of you, up to the point that they even bore you... that's the moment to take that step, to jump out of the illusions and live your life. All this is part of change which in turn brings more change. You find yourself into that liminal space where you are not anymore the person you used to be and still not yet the new person you head towards and I can only hope that my liminal land of emptiness is still fertile. Or at least peaceful.

In me, there is a melting, a suppleness, a sense of mellowness, a softness I didn't recognise at first. Things have new meanings, people who don't follow me are left behind, and my writing and drawing are a determination and stubborn desire to talk to God. I am a vessel, open to God and this openness leads me to God at the same time.

Where this is going to take me: I have no idea! But this is the beauty of this process

I shall see you next week,

onwards + upwards


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