reserv·ātiō /27 - 2/2
PART TWO of TWO
[last paragraph from the previous post]
My dad used to tell me that I often looked “incantesemata” which I always took to believe as “mummified, shrunk and shrivelled” but I only now realise where the word comes from: “incantesimo”, a spell. To look “incantesemata” means to be frozen as if under a spell. As Sleeping Beauty. I am here waiting. Frozen and pursuing nothing. Feeling like a victim: no one is coming to help me and rescue me. I am reminded of my copy of Women Who Run with the Wolves and check for parallels. I turn to note 13 on p.494/495: Sleeping Beauty is not waking up because of the kiss. She wakes up because it’s time. The one-hundred-year curse is up: it is time. In the movie Maleficent it’s her kiss that wakes her up, not the prince’s. I turn to the original chapter where the note is from and it happens to be the same chapter I was about to read when I got the book out last time, in 2019: the paragraph titled “Staying Overlong” [p.278]. The same chapter that explains all those “yes, but…”. The chapter I haven’t read back then.
It is time. Now it is time. It wasn’t in 2019. Now it is.
Now is the time to “go home”.
I could stay here, frozen, and the house fell on me. I don't know. I can't control it. I can only control what I do and my choices. What shall I do? What choice will I make? Do I want to stay here and watch another horoscope video to soothe me when it tells me that everything is going to be okay?
Still, there is something else that tugs me from within. This automatic response of going into deep victim mode… well, it feels that it’s a response that does not reflect this new me I have been working on. It perfectly reflected the old me but not this woman who is going out, studying, and taking the time to follow her inner calling. This automatic response does not belong to me anymore. M.me Victím looks like an old frail lady, mummified in a time that belongs to another era and another world. Her Chanel skirt and jacket are tatty and worn out, the golden bangles are custom jewellery, she smells of old people, and her lipstick is thick and powdery, child-like vibrant pink and it collects on the side of her mouth. Her silky tights are rolling around her ankles. She speaks softly and slightly stuttering. She speaks mainly to herself and her words are full of “the good old days” but I know that those days were not good.
Artemis, instead, is outside calling me. To go and play in the woods. When she calls and I listen I feel fierce, independent, beautiful, strong and free. Like that beautiful character I love on TV: Detective Katherine Houghton Beckett. Kate. The life portrayed on the screen mirrors Atalanta’s: a tragic past of being left / feeling alone; a disaster in her family and her having to learn to be “fierce and independent”; a life of doing everything alone, of not sharing, not allowing people in. Then, three golden apples are presented to her: the first makes her reflect on the passing of time and death; the second is all about sharing and finding love; and the last one is about generativity and creativity. These three apples are Sleeping Beauty’s one-hundred-year slumber and that [self] kiss.
My apples have been that accident I had 2 years ago while out in the woods by myself, which stopped me in my tracks; my second apple is the realisation that now - after having “gone home” to art and studies - I am open to a relationship [that copper card that keeps on showing up in the readings is a good reminder!]. It also means that I have learned to listen to myself and to accept and love myself. It means that my anima is connecting to my animus: I am kissing myself to get out of that sleep. It also means that I do not want to compromise when it comes to a relationship. Det. Beckett opened up herself because, for 5 long years, Richard Castle was there, relentlessly showing her that he was someone she could trust. He accepted her for who she was. He waited, but also pushed her boundaries and allowed her to grow. He was the “one who showed up”. As fierce and independent, autonomous and “masculine” Kate is, she finds a Richard who plays, loves, opens up and is “feminine” in his creative endeavours. I haven’t seen the end of the last season yet, but as creativity and generativity go, Kate chooses to study and become a Captain instead of getting pregnant [again: I haven’t seen the end yet so don’t tell me but that would not change even if they had children!]. In my case, my generativity takes me here to these pages, to university, and to making, creating, exploring, and experiencing. After seeing Kate & Richard in this mythical light, I really understand why I keep on going back to that series but also why I haven’t watched it till the end up to now.
Up to now.
Because now is the time.
so, onwards + upwards > out + about
* you might want to have a look at
JS Bolen's Artemis. The Indomitable Spirit in Everywoman and
C Pinkola Estés' Women Who Run with the Wolves
Date : 6 NOV 2023
Duration : ----
Location : Turton & Entwistle Resewrvoir
Weather : too much rain to walk around
T : cold & v damp
ps: don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to or BECOME A MEMBER on my website to be notified of updates & new blog entries! > form below!