This morning has been one of pulling together different strings, or rhizomatically expanding and creating connections. I have been thinking about ecology, Lovelock's Gaia Theory, abandonment issues, nature, my dad, the hunter I fell in love with, to then land onto Artemis* and her myth. Actually, more than myths: just her constant presence in my life.
While my Mother embodied the passivity of Persephone, the depression of Demeter, and the avoidance of Hera [she came as a full package], I do not tend to stay long in the Underworld. Loss hits me, I fall and then I plan, stand up and move on. I have learned to be more independent and autonomous. I am the Artemis Woman.
In those moments of intense setbacks I made, of course, mistakes and bad choices that kept me "down there" for longer than I wanted to. It is also true that maybe reacting as a victim and then full of frustration and anger is probably what I needed. I also cherish those moments of darkness and howling winds which blow and cut through your skin as betrayals because they allowed me to explore, even in concentric circles, at times, hidden treasures, acknowledge the vastity of my own courage, and then refine my choices. I learned to listen to the voice-within. It is like fine-tuning an old instrument. It was because of those moments in a personal metaphorical [and not so metaphorical] darkness that I chose to go back to college and then university. It is in this last exploration that I have decided to cut some ties and to sit here and write. It is only in those moments, when we are cornered, that we feel an impulse, an inner pang, and we are flung into doing something that at times on the surface makes no sense at all but still we are compelled to do it because the hope that it will all make sense in the end is greater than anything else.
PS: I am writing this while listening to this:
I think we all need those moments in which we acquire, understand and choose to respect inner knowing, our gnosis. The next stage is the "doing", the following through: how important is it, to me? At times, we start following through and then we fall back. It's a two-step forward and one-step back approach. But every time we move, even if for a tiny-tiny bit, we create momentum, we test the ground to understand how solid it is, and we learn to trust ourselves. We learn to hunt, forage, gather, light a fire, kill to eat and survive, to adapt. We learn to recognise the elements and how to work with them. Most of the time, we change our name. There was a period I was known as Storm...
I have been sitting here this past week basically without going out for a walk. My body hurts and I decided to focus on inner seeking instead. Maybe because I needed another one of those moments enlightened by that dream of mine where a White Hart called for me and pulled out one of my eyes with his antlers... But I also miss my trees and EliðiRr, my dragon. I am sitting here in my living room and I can see the sun flooding this room through the windows. Maybe it is time to go out again. I need more Aphrodite / Copper element today: that feeling of delight and awe I experience when out in nature, that sense of mysticism I encounter when touching resin while hugging trees...
so, onwards + upwards > out + about
* you might want to have a look at JS Bolen's Artemis. The Indomitable Spirit in Everywoman...
Date : 2 NOV 2023
Duration : ---
Location : home
Weather : no idea
T : warm inside
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