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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

reserv·ātiō /17

This has been the second night of "bad dreams". I feel restless and inquisitive. I could feel negative and dismissive thoughts creeping in this morning and I have even argued with the cat. Nothing different than the usual... I think that the more I am coming closer to the possibility of having my thesis graded and back, the more restless and scared I become. Hence the choice of that image: this is where I would like to be. At a beach, on my little campervan, surfing. In the sun. Yesterday, during my usual walk I sat on a bench, face to the sun, eyes closed, focusing on the sensations on my skin. Letting people walk past and without allowing them to linger on my heart. Not paying any attention to anything that was happening outside of me. This image of a van in the sun at a beach is a reminder: it is my spiritual and emotional floater. This is the sensation I have carried within me since I was a very young girl happily swimming out at sea, or sunbathing in Slovenia or Croatia or Grado, waves gently lapping close by. The taste of watermelon in my mouth. A book that you wish would never end. A story that is always there, for you to dive in. And nothing else. This is why I sit here every morning, writing. This is my mental, emotional and spiritual gym. This is rising energy, till next time, next sea, next swim.

This morning's card was Jupiter, the planet of expansion and possibilities. The planet of fortune. This card is the perfect support in reminding me of the future I want to create and that is here, at hand, regardless of the voices in my head. In a conversation I had this morning we discussed the two columns and conundrums we are faced daily. On the left-hand side, we have the DRAMA brought to us by the people around us: family, relatives, friends, teachers, colleagues, neighbours, that constant nagging of what should be done, should be thought, should be taken into consideration. Then we have the DRAMA coming from our TV and phone: the news, the wars, the battles, the obligations of choosing a side, of expressing what we feel but only if what we feel is the right thing and expressed in a way that is expected. We have the gossip, the constant chatter, the voices raised, the conditioning and the emotional blackmailing of the adverts. And then have our own personal internal DRAMA: am I doing what is right? What should I do? This doesn't work, this is all shit, I wish that x did this and y told me that; I am feeling so lonely, and so misunderstood, and so invisible, and he doesn't like me, and how come I have only 11 likes on my post, and bla bla bla...

Yappying away all the time, a constant buzzing.

On the right-hand side, there is only a question: what can I do now to feel better?

Sometimes [most of the time...] we need to have very respected boundaries, not allowing anyone to cross them; we need to tell people to back off; we need to have to switch off the TV and also the phone; and we need to tell our inner voice to shut the hell up.

What can I do, now, to make myself feel better? I learned to take this time to explore how my soul and body react when I think about what needs expanding in my life: do I want more people who moan and whinge? Do I want more TV programs? More staged reality shows where people just enact more drama? Do I need more war and dead people count? Do I want to listen to the perpetuating conditioning that goes on in my head and that I have learned so well from my mother, father, grandparents and culture? No, to hell with that! I choose, every day, to imagine warm beaches, sands of all colours, palm trees swaying in the wind, charcoal grilled fish with a wedge of lemon, extra virgin olive oil and a pinch of pink salt, fresh crunchy carrots and crispy white wine. I imagine endless books and walks exploring caves and markets where the scents take you to faraway places where people speak languages you never knew existed. I want boots worn out by so many steps where adventure, nose in the air and a sense of awe are your companions. I want maps folded so many times that every mark reminds you of where you have been. And then I want a map that leads to another map and then to another map and then to another map.

This is why I am sitting here, every day, to write. This is why when I am out at my reservoir a fallen tree has turned into EliðiRr, my dragon. This is why I sit there, on a bench, eating an apple. This is why: because I do not want to stop dreaming and living an enchanted life, full of promises and beauty and succulent affection for everything. As for the ones who tell me to face the reality of things how they are instead of wasting my time daydreaming, please remember the acorn: that little thing knows where he is, and what is going on for him. But he also knows of all the good things that are going to happen to him and what he is meant to become: a gigantic oak tree. There is an inner knowing, a purpose. Reality is temporary! When I set off to go on holiday and I start my car, I don't feel upset with a constant inner monologue of how shit this holiday is just because I am not even on the motorway! All the time I am driving, I am looking forward and imagining the amazing days I am going to have while enjoying the drive, and not focusing on whatever goes on for me along the way. If I get stuck in traffic I simply take it as part of the holiday and not as something that is completely ruining my vacation. This is why I sit here every day: because I am on the way to that van, in the sun, at a beach.

onwards + upwards > out + about



Date : 22 OCT 2023

Duration : no idea

Steps: forgot to count!

Location : Turton and Entwistle Reservoir

Weather : cold and sunny

T : 14°

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