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  • Writer's picturematilde tomat

reserv·ātiō /16

I needed a change because my body was in pain and fighting some kind of inflammation so I stayed at home, watching the rain and the clouds from my sofa, writing, planning and resting.

Yesterday’s writing opened up something else for me, a kind of portal. I could see myself noticing this large gate, hidden, among trees and old rose bushes in the damp rotting of fall. I am there, at the entrance. I am not sure if I have to go in, if I need to take a step further and if I am even invited to whatever is behind that gate. This morning's reading answered every question and I am not taken aback by its veridicity anymore. I learned to take it for granted and to trust. I trust that the MOON speaks in symbols and metaphors and so whatever I see, here, in front of me might need to be mediated and interpreted.

I decided to enter. The latest revelations of who I am and who I want with me as part of my tribe; the way I severed ties with what I carried with me for such a long time; recognising my body is finally now tri-dimensional and that I embody and fill space… have been a series of intense a-ha moments. This is what URANUS does: it’s the awakening and realisation, the acknowledgement that we have shed skin and we are not anymore who we thought we were. Realising that for all these past years I thought I was a writer while instead I am a Seeker, a Traveller, an Antevasín, a Woman of the Liminal Spaces and writing is rather what I do, was powerful and it felt like recalibrating my own gyroscope to the True Nature of Who I Am. And this is my peculiarity, my uniqueness: I am neither alive nor dead, young nor old, deep or shallow. But I connect two opposite shores. Jung calls it "reconciling the tension of the opposites" which I fought for so long! I always thought I should have chosen a side and stuck with it because this is what society asks you to do: you are either male or female, black or white, rich or poor, sane or insane. Do you like mommy or daddy more? We seem to crave labelling and identification because is safe and otherwise we don’t know who we are nor what we came on this planet to do. I have always been accused of being too Libran: a bit of this and a bit of that, spineless for not taking sides, too silent, too weak for not voicing my allegiance, unable to make a decision, constantly sitting at a crossroads without knowing what I wanted to do, to eat, to wear, to study, to believe in. All this time, my beautiful Hekátē, protector of crossroads and choices and represented by ravens, shouted in my ear that I was who I was and that was okay. I am comfortable in greyness but I also find extremes very interesting, I feel safe in the not-knowing, I like to wear two metaphorically different shoes and a skirt on top of a pair of trousers, holding in my hands at the same time a Gucci bag and a Victorinox as a representation of a modern Kali.

In my writing experiments, since this is what I love doing, I know that I need the assistance and support of SATURN. While constantly fighting against seclusion, segregation and especially any form of conditioning, I learned that I need commitment, endurance, resilience and steadiness in what I do. I need to show up every day on the page to do this. I journal long-hand every morning, I read, I write, I read more, I walk and think and let ideas settle, and then I write more. Because this is what I do. I also know that I am good at it and that my words brought hope and inspiration to people and that it will happen again if only I keep on doing what I do. I remember one of my art tutors, Nathan Walker, an amazing artist, who allowed me to recognise that my artistic practice is writing and, as you can see online, that most of my drawings are calligraphic. Again, this is what I do because of who I am.

In my journey during my MA by Research I have learned two things, besides all the theoretical approaches and philosophical elucubrations. One is to listen to my Inner Voice and I am not ashamed to say that part of this writing this morning is a personal reminder of this. Whenever in doubt, low, lonely, or discouraged I only need to listen to my Inner Voice. That’s my BENEVOLENT GUIDE; that’s the voice who whispered EliðiRr's name; the voice that wishes me good night; the reassuring “I love you” I heard so many times, as warm honey dancing in my soul. This is the voice that confirms that I need to engage with the unseen world while softening in the gentle humming of a buzzing bee. I remember that years ago, back home, we had an old pear tree and the bees enjoyed its flowers. Sitting there, in the garden, facing the sun and closing my eyes while dissolving in their buzzing was one of the best experiences ever.

In that dissolving, all differences, labelling, boxing, and categorising dissipated and vanished. I was neither here nor there, neither male nor female, neither Sun nor Moon. I was just Senses. I was the REBIS, the encounter between Hermes and Aphrodite [which I mentioned yesterday in my post, too!] this androgynous figure opened to every possibility, eager to experience life. I let go of labels, rules, and representations and everything made sense when on a continuum, when all complexities and diversities merged into one entity, the Essence. There, as now, I am only Embodiment. The reawakening of this knowledge comes with a sense of fierceness and hunger for… more. A form of militantism and allegiance to the experience that I know needs mediating and reining in. That’s where the outlet of writing happens, where the sensations and phenomenological responses make sense and can be channelled into my writing. This is the space where we can all focus on what can do instead of what we can’t, where we remind ourselves not to quit, where we come out of our Shadow. This is where, as ANTI-MONY [i.e. not alone] we welcome new revelations.

In my experience and then writing, there is protection, holding, and preserving. This is the role of RESIN. The question is: am I holding too tight onto something that needs to be let go? I think that I am instead preserving what is lost. I am an old soul who lived many times before and as the scented smell from the resin of pitch pine, I embody strength, growth and wisdom of other ages. I need to merge the passion, freedom and wildness of Antimony together with the sensuality of COPPER that I gained by understanding the role of ASH, of old memories and ancestors, carrying over that universal past while letting the personal go by forgiving and moving on. I can only do it via love and senses, and fertility; pleasure and delight by leaving darkness and melancholia and hardship behind. This is the bonding [resin] of passion and wildness [antimony] with awe, reverence and curiosity [copper]. This is my “copper fist”. This is my second lesson during this MA: I am also a body, and I do experience phenomenological responses. These aid me to reach the spiritual.

As with all journeys, mine now has come to its natural end. I am back at the gate, now ready, after this transformation and awakening, to do the Work, to dive deep into the soul in this process of MELANOSIS, to be open to the outer transformation now that I know who I am. Now is the time for healing, to close my eyes and surrender, trusting that I am exactly where I am called to be. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where nine ravens stuck their talons in my back along my spine and my shoulder blades, opening their wings wide… but this is a story for another time.

onwards + upwards > out + about



Date : 21 OCT 2023

Duration : ---

Steps: ---

Location : home

Weather : cold outside

T : 12°

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