Today has been different. The weather was horrible and I still would have gone out for my walk + elucubrations but I had the monthly meeting with my clinical supervisor to attend, with whom I discussed the latest dreams and walks, embodiment and feminine divinity, drama triangle and my Shadow appearing with a vengeance.
My Shadow is also called the Righteous Entitled Bitch: she is a whining child, a puella aeterna, this child who has a tantrum, stomps her feet and wants it her own way or else... I always thought that I should talk to her kindly, give her love and attention, take her out to draw, eat ice cream and drink wine. I thought I needed to give her what I was missing. She was my Inner Child in the end.
My supervisor told me to kill her.
Kill the child. Tell her off, tell her to shut up. Tell that child [who is nothing more than the possessed Regan MacNeil] that we don't like how she behaves. She needs to grow up. The anger that has been growing within me needs to turn into power and confidence; the hurt into a deeper connection with the Self; the fear into insight.
So, once I walked out of his studio I drove. Gently, softly, consistently. That Shadow is also who I am and the whole point of today's session was being able to say: so what? so fucking what?
I miss the walk. I miss my clockwise gentle strolling, zigzagging in and out of the woods. I miss the noise of the water and the wet noses of the dogs coming to sniff me. I miss that space and what it means to me on this journey. The images you see here were taken just a couple of days ago...
Still, even if free to leave my house to drive there and have as many walks as I want, I don't feel free to leave that reservoir. My supervisor says that there is a block, somewhere. Well, not just somewhere, but where my "buts" are. Yes, but... No, but... but... but... I know, but... I could, but...
onwards + upwards > out + about
Date : 3 OCT 2023
Duration : zero
Location : undetermined
Weather : windy
T : 13°