notebook entry
notes from the shack >>> The call has always been there. And this question of WHAT might be calling me is still resonating in me. I feel this is a question that needs answering. Or at least that I need to stop and observe and allow for something to come up.
I was sitting in my living room, or in my kitchen, or in my bedroom and there has always been a call. It didn’t matter if I were in Tolmezzo, LLantwit Major, Palmanova, Coppull or Athens. There has always been a call. And I would like to start defining this, pull this entangling ivy out of it, doing spring cleaning. I am here now, in this shack. It’s warm and comfortable, large enough for me to move around. A large window on the lake, surrounded by tall trees. There is wind and the day is a tad grey. In this shack I am given for the next two weeks, a month, two months [time is not in question, there is plenty of it] I can almost feel at home even if I feel a bit like closed in a cardboard box. There’s too much golden orange undertones and red curtains in here for my liking. But there is a wooden stove, and a kitchenette and I can still walk into town to the shops and a bit further on the left, along the shores, to a restaurant. While if I were to walk to my right,always along the shore, I can then reach the edge of the university campus and from there the large Hall, the old library, the cafeteria and my room. My space. I was given a room, a space. From the jungle to a large room, panelled, a sliding blackboard, desks, supplies. There is paper and pencils and pens for everyone. I begin on Monday and I keep on repeating in my head what I want to say, what the plan is…
But for now,I want to understand the Call… I feel called. By what?
So, let’s start defining this: it’s not an outer calling, it’s Def an inner calling which then also manifests on the outside. It’s almost like a compulsion, since a very young age and if I disregard folly and schizophrenia, it might only means that I must be attuned to something calling me. At times this vibration, this frequency is stronger and more pronounced, others it’s feeble. Other time I have not heard it but that doesn’t mean that it’s not present.
I'm here in this shack and I can only think that I am missing him. Is this another deflection? Or is it the reality? We were very well together. Working, enjoying, doing what we had to do and I really thought there was a connection. We have spoken over the phone, since, of course. We talked about my research and his work. He told me every time he went back to the rock face he placed his hands and thought of me. Every time and I thought that this was sweet and tender. I am wondering how I would feel if he was here now, with me.
--- I am deflecting on the main question of my calling…---
I think I need a coffee, now. I am summoned for a coffee. Coffee it is. I will send him a text later, just checking in.