#3

I have noticed from the very beginning that he has a deep inner side that he is not used to show. There is a fragility that that I don’t think he even admitted. A tenderness. A deep care for things as if they had a soul, and a personality. Being with me, where I am more open to open self-reflection, analysis and the conjuncture between matter and soul, earth and spiritual, helped him to open, with meat least. He sees that self-reflection and spirituality or just their exploration for now do not need to imply someone is broken and needs therapy nor that you have to forget rationality and pragmatism. I think that in that sense, paleophenomenology and hence myself helped him to open up. I strongly believer that he has a deep inner well of sweetness and connection, that maybe he didn’t want to admit. I know he is not assuming nor implying i’m right all the time, but I can see that he is open to go back into the sacredness of his space and question what I say. He is not falling head over heel for what I am saying nor dismissing a priori as just bullshit as if I were a witch and a wacko. And this is what I like about him : he has the courage to admit that something resonates with him. How he will navigate between this well riding up within himself and the image I think people have of him having a beer and talking football, I have no idea. I think I can only continue to be me and answer his questions.

I know that a relationship would be out of equation if we didn’t share the same values and to me one of my values is freedom, yes, but also the knowledge of the presence of consciousness and awareness, this well inside that connects us to the unknown. If someone dismisses it as mambo-jumbo, this person could not be with me. I want, also, an equal relationship, which means that I do not want to have someone who simply blindly accepts what I am saying and staying at home cooking and waiting for me… I want someone with whom to have stimulating and interesting conversations, and challenging ones, too. And someone who is not 100% all the time talking about work or philosophy… I want someone who can switch off, have a drink and talk about our next holidays, or his football team [albeit that maybe not with me…]. I want someone I can feel safe and academically challenged to discuss thoughts, ideas, theories… and I would be doing of course, the same. I want to engage with someone’s happiness when they discover something, even if it’s the launch of a new tool they might use o a dig! I saw him engaging with all sides of his job: from caring for the tools, cleaning his car, checking for exhibitions on tools and mapping systems, online conferences and seminars, … you can see that he is actively involved in lives of the people working with him and of the students. And then, when we were out one evening, with some of his friends, having a bite out and listening to their stories… and I came along because invited and I wanted a break from the academia and I heard people talking about their lives there, and their usual every day problems, I could see how he was sweet and caring with me. He made sure I was comfortable, relax, fed, warm… but he didn’t feel the need to protect me nor protect his friends from me: he let us all talk without sheltering. And I thought that it was sweet. There was a deep sense of… natural flow, as if we went out many other times before, with that same people even if that was the first ever evening I met them. It was all natural. I could see him laughing with his mates and then looking at me, smiling… I felt very safe and happy, there.

I felt that there was more to the story, more to his story, that he hasn’t told me. A bad breakup? A deceased wife he still loves? Something hidden in the depth of his soul, a question he might keep on asking himself, a reason for something that might have happened in the past and that he hasn’t found an answer yet… and maybe he knows… he feels I know, even though I know nothing.

I don’t know if my journey with him will last longer than this evening, today, this week… I don’t know anything. What I know is that I have a sense that I have to be here, now, with him. I feel I was called, energetically, by him. I think, no… I am sure that we have been brought together by the universe. We have been both primed for this… thing, here, now. It seems that everything I have experienced, all my pain, questioning, etc has a reason because I had to be here with him now. I look at him and feel that I know why I suffered, I know why I have been studying, I know why I have been single for so long, I know why I had to work on myself… just by looking at him, now. I don’t know how much of this I can say to him, now because maybe I need to give him time to come up with this himself and then, when he does, I will be able to show him these words I'm writing. But now I know… I have been prepped, moulded, primed, forged for this moment, for this person, for this journey. With him.